The Left Clan
by Cloudstar of Fireclan
Summary: The humorous tales of the adventures of a clan who are all left-pawed.
1. Chapter 1: Southpaw

The Left Clan

Leader- Solakstar- Light gray she-cat with hazel eyes.

Deputy- Zurdotail- White tom with brown eyes

Medicine cat- Scaevapelt's - Slender black she-cat with blue eyes.

Warriors-  
Canhotoleaf - Orange tabby she-cat with black eyes.  
Apprentice, Southpaw

Story 1: Southpaw

" Where ...are...the... scissors?" Zurdotail ran into the medicine den with a crazed look in his eyes.

"Um... I think Southpaw took them" answered the slightly frightened medicine cat.

"Where is she? I must know!" screamed Zurdotail dramatically.

"I think she's by the fresh-kill pile"

Zurdotail sprinted into the clearing towards Southpaw. "Give me scissors!" he screamed.

"Why do you need scissors?" Southpaw asked.

"To cut out a computer!" Southpaw (somehow) handed him a pair of slightly bent left-handed scissors. She wore a confused look on her face.

"Oh my Starclan, they're broken!" Zurdotail yelled. He attacked Southpaw in a blind frenzy. 0.0000001 seconds later, Southpaw was lying dead on the ground.

The Clan looked at him, and looked at the body. They looked at him, and looked at the body. They repeated this process 78 more times. Only Zurdotail seemed happy.

"I killed the left-handed scissor breaker!" he screamed over and over.

Then, Southpaw's spirit started drifting to Starclan with her mother, but not before she whispered "I will get my revenge." in Zurdotail's ear.

Then the Clan's four strongest warriors dragged Zurdotail off to the cat psychiatrist.

Above the camp, two kittypets looked on in disbelief.

"What was that?" one of them asked.

The other shrugged. "I dunno know. C'mon, let's get some food."

**Sorry the allegiances are so short. I couldn't think of any more good names for them. I'll add some more warrior names in the next chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2: Humans

Orvhentirclaw- A white-and-grey dappled tom with amber eyes.

Linkshänderfur- A lithe pale ginger tabby she-cat with deep brown eyes.  
Apprentice, Mëngjarashpaw

Ljevorukistorm- A smoke-grey tabby tom with blue eyes.

Gaucherfoot-A sturdy brown-and white tabby tom with grey eyes.  
Apprentice, Ezkertiapaw

Mancinoheart- A white she-cat white a black locket and one black front paw.**  
**

"I hate humans! I hate humans! I hate humans!" Scaevapelt screamed, banging her head against a table.

"Um, I thought they were called Twolegs," Orvhentirclaw said.

"Shut up!" screamed Scaevapelt, giving the Orvhentirclaw a black eye. ** [Don't ask me how cats can get black eyes. I have no idea.]**

"Why do you hate Two-egs?" A little kit asked sweetly.

"Because they called us sinister!" Scaevapelt sobbed. Then she continued banging her head against the table. An awkward silence followed.

Then Mëngjarashpaw got up and sang, "Awkward babies under awkward palm trees on an awkward island in an awkward ocean with awkward fish who awkwardly breathe bubbles, which awkwardly rise into the air, which we awkwardly breathe in, and that's why today is so awkward!" Then Mëngjarashpaw passed out.

An even more awkward silence followed.

Finally, Solakstar spoke. "Who brought a table into camp?" All the warriors looked at each and shrugged. **[And no, I have no clue about how cats can shrug, either.]**

At that exact moment, a Twoleg walked into camp and sat down the table and started eating.

"He's right-handed!" Scaevapelt screamed [again]. She swarmed up his legs, clawing at him. The other cats followed, screaming bloody murder. Mancinoheart ripped out a claw climbing one of the Twolegs. (Because the Twoleg never bathed, so his his skin was very hard.) Ezkertiapaw reached over from the Twoleg's other leg and put claw made of chocolate in the place of Mancinoheart's ripped-out claw. They continued to climb while Linkshänderfur inspected the Twoleg's belly button. The other cats ignored her.

"Give us a dozen left-handed items as payment!" Ljevorukistorm yelled in English. Looking very surprised at talking cats, the Twolegs fled.  
The next morning, Scaevapelt heard a pair of left-handed scissors thunking onto the ground outside.  
"Yaaaay!" she yelled.  
"Yaaaay!" the other cats yelled.  
Then they all ate chocolate.

The End.


	3. Chapter 3: Cameras

Story 3: Cameras

_Clang. Clang, clang. CLANG_. Orvhentirclaw was smasing a high-quality SLR against the ground.

"What are you doing?" called Solakstar from her den, sleepily.

"Killing the camera," Orvhentirclaw replied.

"Why? You know we can't afford you destroying everything." said Solakstar drowsily.

"I can't use them. They're not left-handed."

"WHAT?" Solakstar sprang to her paws and immediately hit her head on the ceiling of the den. "Ow." She then proceeded to yell a string of curses that has been censored by the author of this story. After that, she continued her amazing speech.

"We must destroy the makers of this camera!" she proclaimed. Then she asked Orvhentirclaw, "Who are the makers of the camera?"

"How should I know? I can't read Twoleg!" Solakstar thought about this.

"Go get Ljevorukistorm," she decided eventually. For reasons no cat understands, Ljevorukistorm was fluent in English. And Japanese. And just about every language in the world. Except for Rabbit. She still couldn't understand Rabbit.

Anyway, Mëngjarashpaw and Ezkertiapaw went into the warriors' den to fetch Ljevorukistorm, who was always sleeping. They found her curled up in the soft moss of her nest, still asleep.

"WAKE UP!" screamed Ezkertiapaw at the top of her lungs. Ljevorukistorm didn't wake up.

"Let's get Scaevapelt," said Mëngjarashpaw. The two apprentices danced out of the den and all the way into the medicine den, where they stopped dancing and started marching in unison, for whatever reason.

"Scaevapelt! Scavepelt! Scaevapelt! Scaevapelt! Scaevapelt! Scaveapelt!" the apprentices chanted. Finally, Scaevapelt couldn't stand it anymore. She emerged from the back of the den.

"What?" she growled.

"Ljevorukistorm won't wake up and we need her to know who made this right-handed camera so we can destroy the maker!"

"Fine." Scaevapelt meowed. She followed the still-marching apprentices into the warriors' den. They continued to march while she checked on Ljevorukistorm.

"Well, she has no pulse and isn't breathing, but I think she'll be fine," Scaevapelt announced happily. "The only problem is that she won't wake up for several seasons."

"Awww," chorused the apprentices.

Solakstar, who just happened to wander in at that moment, announced, "Then we destroy all the camera makers!"

"Yay!" the whole Clan, who all apparently had supersonic hearing, cheered. the Clan went off marching to the Twolegplace, with Solakstar in the lead, about to destroy approximately 20 (thousand) camera companies.

_ Three Hours Later..._"Uh, we turn right here and walk up to the sign with the picture of a camera on it," said Solakstar, consulting her iPhone.

Solakstar stopped in front of the headquarters of a camera company and paused for dramatic effect, then proceeded to deliver her speech.

"Well, here we are, in front of one of our enemies, for they manufacture only right-handed cameras. But we shall destroy them!"

The Clan's cheers were almost deafening.

"Yay!"  
"Destroy the camera manufacturers!"  
"We shall rule the world!"

They entered the building, using their cute-kitty-kat-who-really-wants-to-murder-you powers. The tough-looking guards who never seemed to smile, immediately succumed to their powers of cuteness and let them in.

Inside the factory/camera store/whatever it was, the cats searched for and demolished all of the right-handed cameras. Everything went according to their (non-existent) plan. For about ten minutes. It all went downhill when Ezkertiapaw saw the diamond-and-gold studded cameras.

"Oooh, shiny!" she said, her eyes fixed on the camera. "Gimme shiny!"

"NO!" scolded Solakstar. "We are here to destroy the cameras. We shall not own any of these evil things." For several heartbeats, Ezkertiapaw stared at Solakstar, lower lip trembling.  
Then she burst into loud tears just before one of the cats yelled, "Cover your ears! It will destroy us all!" And so all of LeftClan covered their ears (No, I have no clue how) as Ezkertiapaw threw a giant temper tantrum. And they all stared at her. And stared at her. And stared at her. And stared at her. And stared at her. Finally, finally, she began to feel a little self-conscious and quit her tantrum.

"So," she said, trying to pretend nothing had _ever_ happened, "What do we do next?"  
Zurdotail (who had by now gone through psychiatry) calmly walked up to her. Th en screamed at her for twenty minutes. After tying her up with 200 yards of rope, the Clan left her there and went off to destroy all the other camera companies in the neighborhood/town/world.

Back at the first camera store, Ezkertiapaw smiled slyly, and wiggled out of the ropes, her favorite book clutched in her paws. It was_ Harry Houdini's Guide to the Art of Escaping from Ropes._ She gave another creepy smile and transformed into her true self. Harry Houdini.

* * *

** If you have any story ideas, please leave them in the reviews**


	4. Chapter 4: Christmas with the Left Clan

**Sorry for the long wait. But the Left Clan is now back, and we're having Christmas with it! Note: Warriors and Swan Lake do not belong to me. Warriors belongs to Erin Hunter, and I have no idea who owns Swan Lake. Anyway...let us commence!**

* * *

December 4th, 2012

"LA LA LA LA lala la la lala la!" Solakstar was standing on her hind legs, dancing across the clearing while wearing a pink ballet tutu.

"Whatcha' doin'?" called one cat drowsily. Solakstar peered seriously over her reading glasses. (Don't ask.)  
"Why, dancing to Swan Lake, of course!"

"Why?" another cat asked.

"To celebrate Christmas! For generations, we have acted out various plays for Christmas." All the cats groaned.

"C'mon, don't you remember we did the Nutcracker last year?" Solakstar looked hopefully out at the assembled Clan.

"Didn't half the clan get kidnapped by an evil groundhog last year?" called Mancinoheart. Solakstar flushed.

"Well...yes...but the point is, we're doing it this year. The play will be...hmm...I know...how about we make our own play about us taking over the world?"

"YAY!"

Three weeks later...

A large mass of various-colored cats were standing in the middle of a forest, gathered around a large rock. It was a perfectly normal gathering of cats, except for one thing: They were all wearing pink tutus.

"And the show..begins!" Solakstar announced. Just as she said this, a cat ran onto the tree stump and stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, before yelling "LEFT-HANDED SCISSORS!" at the top of his lungs and trotting off. Another cat came on. He stared around for a moment before dashing off and returning with a groundhog in tow, its eyes sparkling malevolently. It snapped its jaws towards the cats, who shrieked, sprouted a pair of Twoleg arms, and ran off; screaming and holding his new arms is the air.

All the cats looked at each other. "Well, that was odd," one commented.

Then they all turned into (left-tentacled) squids.


End file.
